"...caught me jacking off last night. I was kind of hoping he'd spank me but all he did was tell me I couldn't do it anymore without his permission and then..."
I struggled to awareness wondering if I was dreaming Tom's voice. As the words continued, I began to wonder who he was talking to.
"...I know why he did it. I've been wondering when he would..."
It finally dawned on me that Tom was making an entry in his personal log. I sat up and grabbed my robe. Belting it tightly, I entered the living area and approached him. I laid my hand on his shoulder, startling him.
"End log," he said hurriedly as he looked up at me cautiously, waiting for me to speak.
"Tom, I came out to tell you that you can be overheard. I'm sorry to have invaded your privacy this way. I didn't intend to listen in." I yawned.
He peered up at me warily. "How much did you hear?"
"Some. Bits and pieces. I wasn't completely awake. It took me a minute to figure out what I was hearing."
"Oh." He looked both relieved and disconcerted at the same time.
"I don't want to interfere with your making personal log entries but maybe you should do it when I'm not around or in the shower or something." I squeezed his shoulder gently. I tried not to think of those tantalizing snippets of sentences that I wasn't sure I'd heard correctly.
His expression turned thoughtful and he removed the disk. "Actually, this isn't my personal log. It's something I'm making for you."
"Me?" Now I was confused. "What is it? When were you going to give it to me?"
He sighed. "Um, hopefully not for a long, long time." He stood and put his arms around me. "It's a kind of just-in-case-something-happens-to-me thing," he said softly.
Oh gods! I felt like I'd been kicked in the chest when the meaning of that statement registered. I crushed him to me whispering, "Oh, Tom...I don't know what to say."
The concept of losing Tom to death was one I hadn't wanted to face. There had been too many changes in the last months. If he left me of his own accord, I could still hope he would come back but if he were to be taken from me permanently, I didn't know if I would survive. The thought alone scared me shitless.
He felt me go rigid and clung to me tightly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Please tell me you're OK."
I took a deep breath and relaxed a little, trying hard not to let my fears get the better of me. I looked him in the eye and said, "I'll be fine. Just give me a minute. You took me by surprise." As I calmed, my curiosity grew. I wondered what sorts of things he had recorded. "When did you start making these?"
"Not too long ago. The first parts are excerpts from my personal logs." He looked down at the floor for a second or two, then continued thoughtfully, "It was only after you accepted me as your own that I started the special entries." He looked at me intently as if he were about to make a decision based on my reaction.
"I see. Are there many entries regarding us?" I asked curiously.
"More than you'd think." He sighed, "Cha, I don't have anyone to talk to about the special parts of our relationship. Sometimes I need to let my feelings out and this is the only way I can."
I felt sad at his remark, like I'd let him down. "You have me to talk to." I stroked his cheek and jaw then kissed him gently.
"I know I do. But, sometimes you're busy and then there are things I just don't have the guts to say to you directly."
I was getting concerned. This wasn't right. I was about to speak when he broke in, "Don't frown. And don't worry either. There's nothing terrible on this." He indicated the disk. "In fact, I think you should look at it today, while I'm still alive and kicking. I know you have the day off."
He placed the disk in my hand and kissed me.
"Tom, I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. I'd feel like I was intruding in a place where I shouldn't be." As much as I wanted to see what was on the disk, I still hesitated to accept his offer.
"Chakotay," he said seriously, "I've given you everything I've got, except for this. You own me and I love you for it. Allow me to give you my thoughts as well."
I gazed at him steadily thinking we'd come to yet another, deeper level of commitment. He had more courage than I'd given him credit for. "All right. I'll take a look. I don't know how much I'll view though. I need to meditate first. There's a lot of stuff I need to address."
"That's OK with me. It's just so strange..." he trailed off.
"How I feel right now." He got a dreamy look on his face.
"How *do* you feel?" I was amazed by his transformation.
"I feel like I could float away. I feel so light. I don't know why but it's incredible, so intense. It's kind of like how I feel when we make love and you've told me exactly how it's going to be, only this feeling is more pure somehow."
I swear some of his tranquility must have rubbed off on me because I felt a wave of peace flow over me and settle around me like a mantle. I said softly, "I love you."
He held onto me and whispered back, "I love you, too."
Long minutes later, the alarm went off shaking us out of our shared yet wordless communion. "I'd better get ready for duty."
Sighing, I released him with a kiss. "Can you meet me for lunch?"
"Sorry, no. I have plans with Harry, remember?"
"Oh, I forgot. I guess I'll have to wait until dinner then." I ran a hand down his arm and squeezed his hand.
"It's going to feel like forever, I know. I'll be thinking of you all day." With that, he kissed me and went to shower.
I got myself a cup of tea and sat staring at the disk he'd given me, trying to organize my thoughts and sort through my feelings. He'd thrown me for a loop this morning, in more ways than one.
Several minutes later he came out dressed for work. "Do you want anything for breakfast?" I inquired, hoping to keep him here with me a little longer.
"Nah, I'm not hungry. I feel like food would bring me down off this sudden high I'm on." He smiled at me and kissed me goodbye, leaving me to face myself, all alone.
I finished my tea and took a quick shower. After that, I got out my medicine bundle and prepared for a long encounter with my spirit guide.
It was well past lunch by the time I finished. I hadn't resolved everything but made some progress on the big issues. At least I felt OK about viewing Tom's special log entries even though I suspected it would lead to more sessions like the one I'd just experienced.
My greatest fear was that Tom would be killed. He had a heroic streak in him a mile wide. I knew that would never change: it seemed hard-coded into his DNA. I did hope though that he'd learn to be a little more cautious, less impulsive. I was trying to teach Tom self-control for more than one reason: certainly I wanted him to give that control to me periodically but I also wanted him to stay alive.
I didn't feel up to encountering anyone else right then so I eschewed the mess hall and replicated a burrito for lunch. It was comfort food; that much I admitted to myself.
All excuses for delaying the inevitable having been exhausted, I took the disk over to the viewer and inserted it. I told the computer to go back to the beginning. I felt like I should see this in the order Tom intended. I tried hard not to imagine how I'd feel if I were really viewing this after his demise.
Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I said, "Playback." Steeling myself for the worst, I held my hands together tightly and waited for the obligatory "Now that I'm dead" speech.
What I saw nearly knocked me out of my chair!
Tom's hard, weeping cock appeared on the screen before me as he said, "See this, Chakotay? It's yours. It belongs to you."
"Pause!" I was so taken aback by the image and the accompanying words that I didn't know what to do. Gods, trust Tom to do something like this. I took a few deep breaths and tried to let go of my preconceived ideas. When I felt like I could handle it, I resumed the playback.
"You can do anything you like with it. But then you know that. It also goes without saying that you can do anything you like with any part of me."
Tom moved on the screen to sit and face the recorder. He was naked and it looked like he would remain so for this, the opening segment of his special log entries.
"I just want to explain a few things about this vid. You'll probably find it jumpy in places where I've cut and pasted pieces of my personal logs. Also, I've changed the beginning at least a dozen times already." He paused and took a deep breath.
Letting it out and staring straight ahead, he continued, "Now for the hard part.... I don't know if you're seeing this because I'm dead, or not. I hope I had the balls to give it to you sooner." He paused and looked down for a moment. When he raised his head, his expression had softened and he smiled at me. "In any event, whether I'm on this plane of existence or the next, know that I love you with all my heart and soul."
"Stop playback." Gods, this was difficult. I had to stop and clear the tears from my eyes. I hoped to hell it would get easier to view as it progressed. If not, I'd be an emotional wreck by the time I got to the end.
I stood and went to get a mug of tea. I checked the time and found it was later than I thought. Tom would be home in a couple of hours. I wished he were home already as I had the sudden urge to hold him in my arms. I thought he might laugh at me if he knew how much all this had shaken me.
Sipping my tea, I sat down again and waited to see what would happen next. After a brief pause, Tom appeared on the screen again, this time dressed in uniform. "Well, it finally happened. The Commander asked me out.... I can't fucking believe it! After all these weeks and months of him watching me, he asks me out to dinner."
He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "I wonder what he wants. It can't just be my ass he's after. Not him. Shit! He's been giving me these *looks* for the longest time. He has to know I've noticed. Hell, when I catch him staring all he does is smile pleasantly like it's no big deal. Jeez, he can't want me that way, can he? I've mostly stuck to women since we've been out here but I'll admit that he is one gorgeous guy and it would be real hard to turn him down. Ahhh, just imagine it.... No, better not. End log."
The abrupt ending made me wonder if there was more to this entry than I was allowed to see. Watching this brought back the recollection of that first evening. I thought that viewing these log entries would provide me with a trip down memory lane as well as give me important insights into Tom.
I kept watching and went through the aftermath of our first date, our first kiss and the discussion of discipline in the Maquis. Tom hadn't been on my ship long enough to witness anyone's punishment and oddly enough he mentioned in his log that he wished he had been. Thinking back to those times, if he had remained aboard much longer, it was my guess that he would've wound up being punished himself. He was a troublemaker back then.
It became easier to watch these entries. I found them as fascinating as the man who made them. To see myself through his eyes had been uncomfortable at first but I figured his view of me would change over time. I had no idea that he had found me so unsettling at times. It also surprised me how often he'd wondered what it would be like to go to bed with me. I decided I had enough time for one more entry before Tom came home. I sat back and wondered what he'd tell me next.
The screen flickered to life showing Tom in off-duty clothing. He looked thoughtful and relaxed. "Well, he did it. He made a move on me tonight. I've been waiting to see how long he'd hold off and I'll admit I am surprised he lasted as long as he has. He amazes me. He's so different from the other men I've been with. He's patient and gentle.... I couldn't have said no even if I'd wanted to, which I didn't.
"Being with him is totally different from anything else I've ever experienced. It's like there's a lot more layers than usual. It freaks me out a little. I mean, the man practically screams 'Authority' and yet that's part of what makes me want to be with him. It's just too weird for words. This isn't my style at all.
"Oh yeah, I also keep getting the feeling that he knows something I don't. It's driving me nuts! Shit, will I ever figure this out?" He stopped and shook his head. Then his face lit up like an emergency beacon and he continued, "I gotta mention that not only is he a great kisser, he gives incredible head, too. End log."
That last part brought a huge smile to my face. It also gave me ideas. I turned off the viewer and removed the disk. I felt much better than I had earlier and hoped Tom would be home soon. I needed to be with him, needed to touch him, take him, know that he was mine.
He came through the door as I stuck my tea mug into the recycler. He headed for the bedroom while unfastening his jacket. I knew he would be naked in moments. Good. I needed him naked for what I had in mind. I moved to the doorway and watched him undress. I dropped my robe to the floor. It took all of my control not to rip his uniform off in pieces.
When he was nude, he sensed my presence and turned to look at me. "Cha?" he ventured as I advanced upon him with a feral gleam in my eye.
I grabbed him and pushed him onto the bed then crawled up and over him. Lowering my head, I kissed him ravenously. His arms came around me and he spread his legs so I could lie between them. His hands roamed over my back attempting to soothe me, gentle me. He seemed to recognize my need, to understand that I had to take from him. He did everything he could to give me what I wanted.
I kissed and sucked and bit my way down his body. He writhed and moaned, jerking reflexively when I nipped too sharply. I wanted to devour him; consume him, so I could never lose him.
When I reached his cock, I shoved his legs up out of my way and began by licking his balls. His cock was hard, jutting upward, waiting for me to claim it. I tasted him, inhaled his scent and in one swift move slipped his cock down my throat. I sucked him hard. I wanted to pull his seed from deep inside him to bring it deep inside me. I wanted him empty so I could fill him again.
His hands clutched at my head while he thrashed around trying to loosen the iron grip I had on his hips. As I took him inside me as deeply as I could, I had one word going through my mind over and over again: "Mine."
His moans grew louder, more insistent but I kept to an even pace. I had to do it this way. I didn't know why. It was as steady as a heartbeat and as strong. Minutes later I was rewarded with copious amounts of liquid treasure coursing down my throat. I kept licking and sucking until he softened and groaned with hypersensitivity. I then sat back on my heels, licking my lips while I raked my eyes over him.
He looked thoroughly ravished. I'd marked him well. Wordlessly he handed me the lube then reached to hold his legs up and wide apart. I stared into the blue, blue depths of his eyes feeling that silent connection that held both of us in thrall whenever we were together in this manner. It calmed me considerably.
I prepared him first. Not losing eye contact for an instant, my finger entered him, feeling him adjust and open up for me. He had pulled his knees to his chest and I had total access. He gazed at me serenely, so patiently, knowingly.
When he was ready, I moved forward and took control of his legs while he gently coated my erection. He set the lube aside as I put his legs over my shoulders and placed the head of my cock in position. He took a deep breath and as he let it out, I joined us. Once I was all the way inside him, I leaned down for a kiss. He moved his hands to my ass and tried to pull me in even deeper.
Now it was time for me to give, to fill him in every way possible. I moved and felt that incredible tingle that starts in the pit of my stomach and moves outward in all directions. It's like a slow burn, in that it takes a long time to completely run its course.
As I fucked him, I felt Tom's strength and mine flow together, each of us making the other more than we had been before. I kept to a sure, steady rhythm again. We locked eyes and I sensed peace and power surrounding us, nurturing us. It was as if the universe at large was reassuring us that we would not be parted.
The tingle within spread and grew in intensity until I couldn't take it anymore. Tom moved with me in this dance of devotion and we climaxed together silently. I felt both empty and filled at the same time. I cannot explain it in any other way except to say that what we did was holy.
We stayed joined for as long as we could, then I slipped out of him. He lowered his legs and let me lie on top of him, gently kissing him again and again, drinking in his essence. I couldn't stop touching him. Even as our pulses slowed and some form of sanity returned, I felt compelled to feel as much of him as possible. It comforted me, assuaged my fear. It was the only thing that could and somehow I knew he understood.
His hands stroked me softly, anywhere and everywhere, gauging the tension remaining in my muscles. Slowly his touch changed to a caress and soon I felt the stirring of desire once again. This time was different. He teased me, seduced me with his fingertips and lips. He sucked my tongue the same way he did my cock.
His legs wrapped around me, squeezing us closer together. He kept it up until I became hard again, then using a clever move, he flipped us onto our sides. Pulling away from me slightly, his hand mapped the contours of my chest then moved lower to stroke my erection once or twice.
I got the feeling he was searching for something. A moment later, he distracted me by nibbling on my shoulder, then I felt my cock being annointed with cool lubricant. Carefully he separated himself from me, rose to his knees and turned. He then lowered his head to the mattress and spread his legs wide, offering himself to me. He looked me in the eye and I rose to kneel behind him.
I thought it was my turn to give him what he wanted. I eased inside him taking the time to make it good for him. No hurry. I focused all my thoughts on his pleasure alone. It didn't occur to me then that my recovery time was the shortest it had been in ages. Somehow, my concentrating on Tom to the exclusion of all else seemed to turn back time. As I changed angles to give him the maximum amount of stimulation, he began groaning.
He arched back to meet my every move. I stopped thinking and became pure feeling. I have no words to describe what happened next because words are too limiting. Suffice it to say that I have never felt like that before. I lost my sense of self entirely and for a tiny amount of time it seemed I *was* Tom. Minutes passed like hours or maybe seconds; measurements of time had no meaning.
When I came I nearly passed out.
All I can remember is Tom turning around quickly and catching me after I pulled out, then easing me down to lie in his arms.
An indeterminate amount of time later, I awoke to Tom's concerned gaze. I reached for him and he came to me, kissing me and clutching my head in his hands.
"Hey there, are you OK now?" he asked.
"What time is it?" I looked around feeling totally disoriented.
"It's way past dinner," he answered softly. "Do you feel like eating something?"
I stared at him. "Yes. I could use a meal. Before we get up though, can I ask you something?"
"What happened? One minute I thought the gods had smiled on us, the next, I thought I was giving myself to you, then I thought I WAS you."
"Chakotay, my love, you hit the wall and it's all my fault." He gazed at me sorrowfully and intoned, "I'm so sorry I put you through the emotional cheese grater that I did. You can punish me any way you like. I promise I won't complain."
Punish him? What the hell was he talking about? I had no idea why he was taking the responsibility for what I suddenly realized was essentially my overreaction to something I should have dealt with weeks ago.
I was too tired to get into it at this point so all I said was, "Let's eat and talk about it later."
"Yes, sir," he responded quietly as he helped me up and went to get my robe off the floor where I'd left it.
Food helped. A lot. My mind cleared considerably and I managed to regain that sense of peace that had flooded me before. Tom remained silent. I began to worry that maybe I'd hurt him in my frantic need to take him earlier.
When we finished eating and had cleared the table I stated, "It's bath time."
He went into the bathroom and ran the water. While he did that, the vision of how I'd marked him came back into my mind. I hadn't paid too much attention to anything while we ate but now I remembered that there was damage I needed to undo. I retrieved the dermal regenerator that Tom now kept in our quarters and joined him in the bathroom.
When the tub was full enough and he'd set towels out for us, I pulled him back into the bedroom and ordered the lights on full. He stood quietly and I could tell he still felt guilty, although I didn't know why. After I dealt with the small injuries I'd inflicted and my own guilt at doing so, I decided that we'd get to the bottom of this.
I didn't like it when he took responsibility for things that weren't his fault. He'd done that too often in the past and it had nearly gotten him killed more than once when he'd tried to make for up it.
He tried to stop me from healing the bite-marks I'd left on his body but I told him to be quiet and he complied. There weren't many and once I was done, I led him back into the bathroom and pulled him into the tub with me.
We relaxed together and I said, "Tom, please tell me why you're so upset."
He sighed heavily and leaned back against my chest. "Cha, if I had known what watching that vid would do to you, I would never have handed it over."
Puzzled by his statement, I replied, "Tom, it wasn't anything on your vid that threw me. It was just the fact that I hadn't come to terms with the possibility that you could die on me."
"Oh, Chakotay! Don't give me that. A while back, I'd have sworn you were hoping I *would* die. All those dangerous missions...."
"No! That's never been true. I don't wish death on anyone. OK, I'll be honest, not *just* anyone. It takes a lot for me to wish someone were out of my life to that extent. But you? Never. What happened tonight was because I haven't dealt with the fact that to lose you now would be the same as losing my soul. I love you so much it frightens me." I held him tightly and kissed his temple then slid deeper into the water and waited for him to answer.
He heaved a huge sigh of relief and stated, "I love you and trust you enough to believe what you just told me. I will literally take your word for it without asking questions."
"Good. I'm glad. You didn't do anything wrong. Let's just accept this experience as a gift from the gods."
"OK. I will."
We washed up and went to bed clean and exhausted. I checked him out again to see if the hot water had irritated his newly healed skin but it appeared that all was well. I was immensely grateful that I hadn't had to use the regenerator on any 'sensitive' areas. It appeared that even when I lost my mind I was incapable of harming Tom.
Once we were curled up together in bed, he whispered, "Just how far did you get watching the vid?"
I answered simply, "Up to and including the first time I went down on you."
He stiffened in my arms and replied, "You're kidding, right?"
"Nope. That was it," I said sleepily.
"Oh gods...is that all?" he murmured.
I wondered what he meant by that remark but didn't feel coherent enough to pursue it right then. Instead, I kissed him good night and felt him relax in my arms. Then we slept and I dreamed of flying.
END OF PART 11
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Taming of Tom Paris, Part 12